mate, it is grim down here

<a href=””><img class=”imgleft” src=”” title=”” alt=””/>Rhys from made some really interesting points about a recent report that the North of England was beyond repair and they should all just come down here to London where everything is smashing (windows) all the time!

A couple of weeks ago, my missus said she needed to visit her brother up north for a week to help out with his shop.

She was dreading it! She’s lived in London for yearsnyearsnyears and couldn’t possibly imagine that anything outside of London exists, our conversations would go like this…

her: “it’s so farrrr”

me (jokingly) :“um, only if you don’t live there. Your brother lives there and it’s not far for him!”

her (not laughing) :“but what if I need to buy something?”

me:“well, they have shops, buildings and some towns even have banks in them. I’m sure you’ll be okay”

It’s like this with her daughter too. The look of abject horror on her face when I once suggested we could all move somewhere outside of London was historic!

Ok, so this isn’t what she looked like but it’s close!

I grew up in Devon so I’m not chained to London like most people that live here. London is not England, it’s a country of it’s own (and should be conquered). Londoners think they can get away with anything because “it’s Lundin”, it pisses me off….

me: hey! those two bendy buses are blocking the entire yellow box junction

Londoner: ‘dats Lundin mate. busy

me: but, that other one went through a red light and now all the cars can’t get through

Londoner: s’alright, they can use the pavement



me: this traffic is horrible! I’ve been stuck for an hour leading up to this junction

Londoner: it’s a busy road

me: BUT ITS 4 AM!!!

Londoner: ‘dats Lundin mate. busy.

Rhys made some bullet points about how to recognize a northerner coming to London, things like

# If we suddenly make noises to you on the train, it does not mean we’re a terrorist about to blow it up, nor are we a paedophile, nor are we asking for your wallet. It’s called a “conversation”.

So, here’s a list of things that those oop north can use to recognize Londoners..

  • if there are two cashiers and one long orderly queue, they will be blind to the people standing in line and assume that the other register is for Londoners. If anyone objects, they’ll be subject to a big argument (but no one will because they’re too polite)
  • two lanes leading to the round-a-bout? They will use the lane with the least cars ALWAYS (even if it means going around the ’bout once)
  • It’s perfectly okay to put their washing machine on at 11pm and then the dryer at 2am if they’re staying in a flat because everyone’s awake all the time in London and the traffic drowns out the sound of everything else
  • The louder the stereo in a car, the harder the man driving it
  • It’s perfectly acceptable for a Londoner to swear loudly anywhere
  • Due to their belief that anything outside the M25 and Essex isn’t London so therefore must be a ghost town from 1970, they will ask things like
    • “Do you accept credit cards here?”
    • “Do you open on Sundays?”
    • “Is there anywhere to park?”
    • “Why is that river water see-through?”
  • They drive on the outside lane of the motorway AT ALL TIMES
  • If you give them too much change in a transaction, then that’s your fault. There is no chance they’ll point it out and give it back
  • Litter must never be placed in a bin. Bins are a security risk. Someone’ll eventually pick it up from wherever they throw it so don’t worry
  • If a parked car is within 20ft of their parking space, it’s okay if they happen to just slightly bump it with their car to get it in the space. No need to leave a note for the owner of the scratched car.
  • Hazard lights to them mean “I can do whatever I want with this vehicle even if it means driving on the pavement or through the childrens park”
  • They can consider themselves better than others if they choose the baked beans that cost five quid a packet
  • They will complain if they have to wait longer than 2 minutes for the next bus
  • They look confused when they get paper money in their change at the pub
  • Driving 30 miles to anywhere is too far
  • A grunt is polite conversation

LOL! there’s many more things I’ve noticed Londoners do that can only be attributed to being resident in a high-crime, low-policing, dense benefit, expensive, dirty and deluded city.

Anywayyyys, back to the missus.. I took her and the mother-in-law up to Lancaster, left them there to stay a week and drove back. It took 3 hours to get from Lancaster to the end of the M1 (a distance of 215 miles) in NW London and then another 2.5 hours to get from there to my house (a distance of 5.7 miles) (oh, and I had to pay an 8 quid congestion charge to do the last 0.5 miles to my house)

I phoned her every day and it went like this..

Day 1: “it’s so boooorrring!”

Day 2: “I can’t sleep at night, it’s too dark”

Day 3: “I still can’t sleep, it’s too quiet”

and it soon changed…

Day 4: “We drove to BlackPool and had a meal for 4 for twenty quid!”

Day 5: “We drove to Manchester and had a great time, it only took 45 minutes to get there!”

It takes us longer to drive from our house to Oxford street and park (a distance of 1.5 miles)

Day 6: “Oh the scenery is so beautiful here, we went for a walk!

Day 7: “do you think we could get a house here?”

By the time I picked her up she was like a new woman, she looked like she’d managed to get some decent nights sleep. She had her head held up and was smiling, until at least 10 miles away from our house, at which point she reverted to the “omg it’s so hard to live” attitude that pervades through London.

Within a day she’d forgotten all that outside of London could offer and could be heard to say things like ,” wow, these eggs are cheap at 50 quid a dozen!” or “lets just pop into Oxford street.. put your wallet in your zipped pocket and be sure to lock the car 5 times and pass me my stab vest”

I don’t think London is the be-all and end-all of a city in the UK, it sucks, it’s expensive, it’s crime ridden, it’s dangerous after dark, it is wasteful, it’s full of chavs who claim benefit and don’t vote but expect the “gavamant” to do something about the crime that their own kids are causing.

I swear, as soon as all my work can be done remotely. I’m goin oop north!

10 thoughts on “mate, it is grim down here

  1. James

    I grew up in Devon as well and now live about 45 mins north in Bucks. I know exactly what you mean as I’m frequetnly down in London on business. When I go back to visit family in Devon the whole pace of life just seems to slow right down – heaven!

  2. Andy Bailey

    I haven’t been down to Devon for a long time, I remember the last time I went there I sat on top of a hill and just stared at the fields for ages!